I was 28 and just had signed up for  a lumpectomy with 5 years of Tamoxifen therapy.  Easier option I was told.  This approach was presented as a quick recovery and back to work in a few days.  Wow, I remember thinking, this is not nearly as bad as I imagined.

Looking back, I remember the Tamoxifen being sold as no big deal.  I never really thought a whole lot about this part and was happy it was a daily pill.  I never deeply questioned the side effects of pre-menopausal women. I did read up on it, but was too naive to know to ask if the listed side effects were different for younger women.  I remember thinking, I’ve totally got this.

After a few more doctors visits to confirm the lab work and the surgical details, I was introduced to the concept of a wire localization the day of the lumpectomy and an injection prior to surgery.  It all sounded easy and like it was not a big deal.  I just wanted to put this behind me and move on.    

Being a mom and needing to plan, I booked a nice hotel on the Harbor for the night before my surgery, as I was traveling about 2 hours to the hospital.  Little did I know this was going to be the last night of me feeling like myself.  I did all the things.  I meditated, visualized a successful surgery and speedy recovery.  I drifted off to sleep to a healing guided meditation.

The next morning I was jolted awake by a shooting pain my my calf.  Great omen I thought.  Then I was off to the hospital.  I remember the smell of the crisp winter air. I remember the feeling of annoyance that this was my day at age 28.  I still see the look on the faces of the nurses who cared for me. A look of shock and sadness. 

Finally I was taken into the operating room where my surgeon met me with the anesthesiologist.  The last thing I remember was asking, how long will this take? The anesthesiologist replied, “ This this not a 30 minute photo lab, we are taking our time and won’t finish until we know we got everything we need. Everything is good, don’t worry.” I took a deep breath of the inhaled meds trying to choke back tears. 

As I awakened in recovery, within a few moments, I felt a searing pain in my shoulder. Thanks to the heavy meds still flowing in my system,  I still was unable to clearly articulate my thoughts. I remember desperately trying to ask what the hell is this pain? The nurse told me, yes I know your breast hurts.  

Finally my husband was allowed back to see me and the first, barely intelligible words from my mouth were, “shoulder pain!” Thankfully he understood. I was given more pain meds and told its normal to have shoulder discomfort, “It is from the incision”.

Later that day, I was sent home with a prescription for painkillers and a pillow for the ride home in an effort to make my shoulder more comfortable.  I’m quite sure the nurses were happy to send me and my shoulder pain complaints off into the night. 

This I would come to discover, was error number one.  One that would be with me forever. A non-recoverable error. This error was the first, and sadly would not be the last.  

I hope you will continue with me on my journey!

Christa xo